Regretting.....

And so...
~MUSINGS~ have not been updated since I got home for the study break. It would be nonsensical if I were to give excuses that it could be due to the fact that there was nothing interesting to blog about *LoLs*

In fact, there were so much going on that, I honestly do not know how to start blogging about it. My trip up North could be a start off point. Thinking about my trip recently, was a big regret that I did not pay my respect to a friend of mine whom we lost 3 years ago. I was told that he was cremated in one of those crematoriums in Penang.

Vincent was a good friend back during high school days. What I could recall was, during my third day in a new secondary school, I was approached by this "leng chai" senior of mine. It was the typical getting-to-know session when he came in the evening for his basketball trainings. I was in the afternoon session while he was studying in the morning. That was how our friendship began. It was then followed by constant phone calls and we acquainted very quickly.

As time passes, we were not in touch as frequent as we used to. We were both busy with our own studying commitments and worse, Vincent had to take care of his mother who was then suffering from cervical cancer. He had to juggle both studies and his ill mother's needs. On the other hand, I had my own commitments too.

We lost touched. I moved into a new place and my land line was changed. Vincent graduated from high school not too long after that and I barely had a chance to even see him. Two years later, I graduated from high school myself. During the duration of anticipating for exam results, I worked part-time in a cafe where I bumped into Vincent once again. We exchanged numbers and things were just like how it was before. The only difference was, Vincent lost his mother during her battle with the cancer earlier.

Vincent and I often hanged out together. Dinner and movies were definite on weekends. He was already working that time while I was in my sixth form. We spent every free time we had and I enjoyed spending time with him. He was more than a friend. Vincent was there when I went through some rough patches in life. At that time, I knew I had nothing to fear as no matter what, he will be there to support. As to what I have contributed to the friendship, he would have say the constant nagging which I gave him ;) He often suffers from sensitive nose which result into running nose every time. I told him numerous times before to see the doctor for proper medical prescription in order to prevent the flu from getting worse but he would normally turn on a deaf ear. He was more concern about his work and he told me he had no time for anything else.

Then there was this particular day when he told me that he had brought good news to me over dinner that night. I was very anxious about it and could not wait for it :) He told me that he was going for a medical check-up. In fact his family members were all up for the check-up. It was an advice from the doctor whom took care of his late mother that they all should undergo a check to see if any one of the members would inherit her genes. And if they do, chances of them being diagnosed with cancer would be higher. Maybe not now.

Part of me was happy that he is finally doing something about his health. He was easily unwell. Even the guy on the next table during dinner coughs, Vincent will be infected the next minute. I thought it was time when he should listen to the medical advices as the fact that I was not qualified, I am not in any position to comment.

But the other part of me felt uneasy that this is happening. A discomfort kind of feeling was just there. A feeling which I could still feel despite it happening 5 years ago. Also, a feeling I do not know how to describe.

Few days later, he told me the doctor gave them (He and his biological brother) their medical results and that Vincent was more likely to inherit his mother's illness. He was very upset when he countered the whole thing to me. I consoled him. I told him to be positive about it. Even if the results were like what he said, it is not like he is already diagnosed with cancer now. It could be another 40-50 years down the road. Who knows?

Another week passed. This time he told me he was going to see an ENT specialist on his constant nose block and flu. The doctor told him he could be down with nose cancer? *WTF?* When he told me about it, part of me was still in disbelieve. To think that we went for "School of Rock" by Jack Black just the weekend before (just like all the other weekends when we go for movies), and this friend of mine is diagnosed with nose cancer, I could not take it myself. I asked to double confirm with the doctor as he might have accidentally read the wrong the report or what. He giggled and told me to relax. He was going for a second opinion the day after. *phew* The doctor must have made a mistake, seriously!

Days after, Vincent rang me just like any random phone calls which we usually make to each other. But this time, he told me the worst news ever. The second opinion confirmed that he is down with nose cancer, stage 2. His father and other family members tried their best to provide all that they could in order to help Vincent with his battle with cancer. I could only support him. That was all I could do. I hate myself for being helpless and unable to do anything in order to improve the situation.

Vincent went through chemotherapy like any other cancer patients did. Initially, the doctors were impressed with the improvement. Vincent fought hard and he was very brave. I saw him going through all the sufferings but he never did complain. He only wanted to get well as soon as possible. It did not matter to him if he had to go through pain and more sufferings. That was the spirit he had in him. I envied him. Even I was not going through all the pain and sufferings, I sometimes cry by just looking at Vincent. How could one possibly stand all these?

Days, months and eventually years passed. Vincent's condition was off and on. Until this particular day when Vincent rang me on my mobile. It took me a back. As the doctors said that it was not advisable for Vincent to use the mobile phone due to the radiations, we have seldom talk on the handphone unless it was an emergency. Vincent told me the cells are spreaded all over. This time, it had spread to the lungs. I was speechless. As that time I was busy preparing to enter university, I promised him to visit him as soon as time allows. Vincent was very understanding. He told me that the preparations were more important but he felt that he just wanted me to know.

And then, I finally got everything in place in order to fly over the East in two days. All the hassle! Glad it is all over. That was also when I received a text on my mobile from a friend of mine informing that we have lost Vincent the night before. I was very devastated at myself. I took Vincent's considerations for granted. If only I could make an effort.

Until today, I have always wanted to pay him a respect. You may more or less feel how much I regretted when I failed to do it when I was in Penang earlier.